Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
