Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I understand Curling. That high.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
