I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
