I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
