I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
