I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
