You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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