i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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