We won't sleep together?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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