She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
