just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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