I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
