i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
