I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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