You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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