I accidentally had phone sex last night
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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