Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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