I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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