i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
