when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
