that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
