when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
sex in a hospital.. check
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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