im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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