Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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