i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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