So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
