Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm having to shit out rocks
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
