i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
