when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
