we have pet lesbian snakes
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
