he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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