We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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