I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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