I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
