I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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