i was born a porn star she said
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
