Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You were trust falling into bushes
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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