My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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