Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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