Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize