went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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