i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
