...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
jump out the window naked night went bad
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