god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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