I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
