apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My cat gives me a boner
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
well most of my day revolves around power hour
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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