Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
