i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
