Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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