all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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