I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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