I feel like abortions should bother me more
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
