I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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