i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
