walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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