Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
