i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
