I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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