he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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