some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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